I am not the kind of person who says, "That's just the way I am." I expect to change. This morning I have noticed some unpleasant things about me. For example, when my dear husband was done making his cinnamon toast, he licked the knife and put the butter away. I said, because he somehow had failed to read my mind, "Hey, I was going to make cinnamon toast for me." He replied, "There's a clean knife in the drawer." Instead of hitting him, kissing him, and carrying on, my first angry thought was, "Well, I won't have cinnamon toast." This is called passive/aggressive behavior: getting back at someone by playing the martyr.
It's not pretty. I had the same pattern flair up with my youngest. She didn't start on homework yesterday? Well, (big sigh) I guess I'll just change my plans for today so I can stay home and make sure she does her work.
This is who I am naturally. I became a Christian when I was fourteen in a wonderful small Baptist church that really loved me, loved Jesus, and loved the Bible. I learned a lot about being a Christian from them, but very little about the Holy Spirit. I learned about the Holy Spirit through a Baptist study called MasterLife when I was in my 20's. Here is the Holy Spirit in a nutshell: I can live my life by my own power, trying to do right things, or I can be filled with the Spirit and let Him work through me. If it sounds easy, you're right. All you have to do is sacrifice everything you are, all of your rights, and change the way you think.
Case in point: me. Naturally, I have some good qualities, but I have a lot of hangups, and I do not seem able to treat my family consistently with the kind of godly love and character that I want to. Spirit-filled Angie is much more pleasant, because she doesn't bring herself to the table. She's not selfish, but always able to think of the greater good. Trust me. If you know me, you like Spirit-filled Angie the best.
When I realized I was not off to a good start today, I didn't resolve to try harder. I pulled apart with my Father, and asked Him to have my day. Let me die. Work through me for His purposes.
It is possible that I will get less done today because I walk in the Spirit than if I scurry around with all my natural strength. But my agenda doesn't matter--He trumps. If I trust my natural strength, I will likely do more damage than if I walk in His peace. This trust means turning my head away from my own instincts, and letting Him have control of me.
I did have cinnamon toast, but after adjusting my thinking, it wouldn't matter what I had for breakfast. God cares intimately about all the little details of my day. He wants them all, and then they fall into their proper place.
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