Friday, August 31, 2012

What I want

The Bible says that the heart is deceitful above all things. The little booger will trick you all the time, so every now and then, stop and ask yourself, "What do I want?" Letting God examine you is always a good idea.

I want Lizzye to be successful in cosmetology. If she fails any class, at the high school, she loses her spot in cosmo. I was always an A student, so my emotions run much more similar to my youngest, who frets over an A- and can really only relax if there is bonus on a test that will maybe allow her to bump over 100%. Last night, Lizzye didn't do her geometry homework. When I went upstairs to remind her, she had already gone to bed.

Her behavior freaks me out, and because I am mature enough not to start screaming and ranting, I am left instead with this ugly, mounting anxiety in my chest. My neck is way tighter today.

What do I want?

I want Lizzye to be successful in cosmetology, so she has to pass her classes. What if her counselors find out how many classes she failed her first two years of high school? According to my calculations, she's not going to graduate until the summer after high school, and that's IF she passes everything she's enrolled in and takes two courses each summer.

What do I want? I want Lizzye to be successful, and she's not cooperating. She didn't do her geometry! Arg!

What do I want? Actually, I want my daughter to grow in her knowledge of God. I want her to be Christlike. Now here's the rub: do I want her to know God AND be successful in cosmetology? Or do I just only, first and foremost, want her to know God?

Her success in cosmetology is my Isaac, which I lay on the altar before God. I only want You for her, Father. Just You. I don't want Your blessings, I don't want Your answers, I just want You.

So today we start fresh. I have no rights (like last night, when I WANTED to watch a movie with my husband, I WANTED some time with him, and that was really my RIGHT, and surely Lizzye would do her homework on her own). I want You, Jesus, for me. I will do whatever You ask of me. I've got the flint knife. Let's climb that mountain.

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