An unstable landscape

This past Sunday was hard for me. My wonderful husband followed me around the house for about an hour after we got home from church, while I ranted and verbally stomped my foot in frustration. I value him so much. He listens to me and hears my heart, as well as my head. And I jump back and forth constantly in what I want him to be hearing--good job, babe.

Because of what we've been through this past year, I am unsure about some things where I used to be comfortable and settled. It can be hard for me to be in church or read the Word sometimes. Have you ever been there? Yesterday I wanted so badly to settle some things, to SEE what I couldn't quite see, and I didn't seem to get anywhere. I looked things up, I copied Scripture into my journal, I prayed, I talked. Nothing clicked.

God is always faithful to me. In my husband's response to me, I see a tiny picture of the immense love and patience that my heavenly Father has towards me. I know the Lord has wisdom and answers and the big picture. He may not choose to show me any of it. Proverbs 25:2 says, "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings." And the very same chapter says, "It is not good to eat too much honey, nor is it honorable to search out matters that are too deep" (v.27). There is a balance to struggling with big truths and simply trusting. I'm trying to walk that line.

I have been very tolerant of Christians who believe different doctrines than I do. I have served with an ecumenical bunch of people, which I loved. Now I'm struggling with that tolerance.

I cringe when I hear the Bible presented as allegory. And yet I know Jesus valued story as a means of teaching truth.

I want the freedom to feel and say what is in my heart, and yet I know that we are also to speak the truth about God, that our confession builds our faith.

I have packaged Jesus and church with marketing strategies, evaluated testimonies and miracles like a commodity. I didn't mean to err; it wasn't my heart to do so. And so I watch modern American churches with concern.

I admire the love of truth that I see in the Reformed movement. But I struggle with the language that we use to describe how the Holy Spirit moves in our lives, and the nature of revelation.

I admire the passion of the charismatic movement, but I fear misplaced zeal and an emotion that trumps solid doctrine.

People have disappointed me, like a bomb that collapsed the entire floor of my building. And I love people, their stories, their journeys, their testimony to our amazing God and how He works in our struggles and failures.

I have seen the power of God move through people I don't trust. And I have heard people I do trust say things I don't quite agree with. I value leadership, but I have lost faith in my own perception of what good leadership is.

I want Jesus to return and set this whole mess straight. That one thing, my friends, has not changed at all.