If I remember correctly, there was once a time when raising my family, doing this full-time mom & teacher thing that I do, stressed me. If I remember correctly, I got pretty good at handling the chaos, and I called that spiritual growth. Lots of crazy stuff happening, but I still walked in God's wonderful peace. I am pretty sure I had learned something.

In the last six weeks, my in-laws have moved back to town. School has dwindled and shifted. I have had to make decisions that affect the next two years of our homeschool. Johnny has worked a mammoth amount of overtime. Abby has acquired a part-time job babysitting. My youngest daughter has successfully petitioned for a pet rat. My mom has recovered from chemo, meaning that my family of origin is back in the plans of my life. Things are spiraling so quickly into new territory that I no longer recognize where I am. I am starting to feel anxious.

In fact, I am beyond anxious. Anxiety is sitting on my chest on a daily basis, and my body is viscerally reacting. I was able to handle all of this change and all of this stress just fine initially, but it has gone on too long. I miss routine; I miss landmarks. I am drowning.

I feel as if God has pushed me beyond my ability to endure. What does it look like, to trust Him here? It is one thing to say, "I can swim" when one is swimming. I just can't swim anymore--what does that look like? And I don't remember how You help me here, God. How do I break down gracefully, without hurting the people I love?

"Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall into exhaustion. But those who trust the Lord will find new strength. They will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint." - Isaiah 40:30-31

Lord God, I really don't have a plan B. If you don't help me, I will fail.