Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I'm dying

This summer was hard, but I feel like I've resurfaced. Ah, now I can get back to growing with God! But alas...I might have resurfaced, yet I seem to be merely bobbing in the water. I'm not swimming. In fact, I seem to be confused and tired.

My pastor is preaching a sermon series called Jesus Hates Religion. One Sunday, he equated his friends going to bars in the college years with the time he spent going to Bible studies. These activities were the same: both were seeking a place where they were accepted. Neither had anything to do with Jesus. This thought has occurred to me before, and I am camping here a while. A lot of why I go to church has to do with how much people like me there. It's not a bad thing.

In contemplating religious people, I have admitted that I am one. My husband has chastised me, "Don't get legalistic about not being legalistic," which highlights how prone I am to making & obeying rules. In trying to grasp this problem of religion, I have imagined going to bars and wondering why that is fun, compared with going to Bible studies.

In a bar, do you require yourself to be in a certain mood? Are you required to prepare before you go? Do you insist that you listen to everyone else's problems, but not burden anyone with your own? Do you have to talk or can you sit sullenly until you choose otherwise?

Today, I wish church was just a Panera, where you could sit, talk, and eat good food, with soothing music in the background and maybe a fire. I think I'm dying a little bit more to self--my stubborn, shiny, religious self.

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