Questions

I like to ask questions. I like to know myself and probe deeply into questions of how and why. Sometimes, this habit only serves to get me stuck in confusion. I find that talking helps me think better...that's a scary thought, isn't it? I make more sense when my mouth is moving, than when I'm sitting quietly in contemplation? I think sounding like an idiot about half the time is one of God's tools to work humility in me.

That said, my prayer time lately is comprised of more silence than I have ever known. I have found that if I sit before God instead of rambling, sometimes I can hear the true worries of my heart better. Then, instead of hashing them out with Him (although that is still a very necessary activity on many occasions), I just turn them over to Him. Instead of asking why and how of my Savior, I just bleat loudly and expect Him to shepherd me.

This week, I found myself staring out my kitchen window, steaming cup of hazelnut coffee in my hand, and I said, "Lord, help me see myself rightly." If someone had been able to photograph the spiritual depth of that moment, I think it would have been destined for a Hallmark card. I mean, wow, that is so spiritual. I was so frustrated with my insecurities and the accusations in my head, and I cried out to my God.

Please note that God rarely answers the questions we ask in some direct, logical way. I asked Him to help me see myself correctly. Immediately a verse popped into my head from the day before. I had been researching what circumcision represented in the New Testament, and attached to Romans 2:29 was this phrase, "And a changed heart, Angie, seeks praise from God rather than people." Okay, my name wasn't really in the Bible, but it sure felt like it. God gave me the key to seeing myself rightly: seek Him. His answer was not to see myself at all, but see Him, and seek His view of me (His praise).

He tells me to seek Him in Matthew 6, the famous passage about not worrying and seeking His kingdom above all else. He tells me to seek Him in Hebrews 12, where He says throw off everything that hinders and fix your eyes on Jesus. He tells me in the 10 commandments to begin with loving Him, and in Jesus' commandment to love Him with all our heart and all our soul and all our mind and all our strength. I am starting to wonder if the answer to all of my questions, no matter how profound and moving and spiritual they might be, is simply...God. Seek Him.