Questions

I like to ask questions. I like to know myself and probe deeply into questions of how and why. Sometimes, this habit only serves to get me stuck in confusion. I find that talking helps me think better...that's a scary thought, isn't it? I make more sense when my mouth is moving, than when I'm sitting quietly in contemplation? I think sounding like an idiot about half the time is one of God's tools to work humility in me.

That said, my prayer time lately is comprised of more silence than I have ever known. I have found that if I sit before God instead of rambling, sometimes I can hear the true worries of my heart better. Then, instead of hashing them out with Him (although that is still a very necessary activity on many occasions), I just turn them over to Him. Instead of asking why and how of my Savior, I just bleat loudly and expect Him to shepherd me.

This week, I found myself staring out my kitchen window, steaming cup of hazelnut coffee in my hand, and I said, "Lord, help me see myself rightly." If someone had been able to photograph the spiritual depth of that moment, I think it would have been destined for a Hallmark card. I mean, wow, that is so spiritual. I was so frustrated with my insecurities and the accusations in my head, and I cried out to my God.

Please note that God rarely answers the questions we ask in some direct, logical way. I asked Him to help me see myself correctly. Immediately a verse popped into my head from the day before. I had been researching what circumcision represented in the New Testament, and attached to Romans 2:29 was this phrase, "And a changed heart, Angie, seeks praise from God rather than people." Okay, my name wasn't really in the Bible, but it sure felt like it. God gave me the key to seeing myself rightly: seek Him. His answer was not to see myself at all, but see Him, and seek His view of me (His praise).

He tells me to seek Him in Matthew 6, the famous passage about not worrying and seeking His kingdom above all else. He tells me to seek Him in Hebrews 12, where He says throw off everything that hinders and fix your eyes on Jesus. He tells me in the 10 commandments to begin with loving Him, and in Jesus' commandment to love Him with all our heart and all our soul and all our mind and all our strength. I am starting to wonder if the answer to all of my questions, no matter how profound and moving and spiritual they might be, is simply...God. Seek Him.

The Church Triumphant

I think the Church wins. Paul told us in Ephesians 5 that the husband's job in marriage is to present his bride spotless to God. He also tells us that marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church, so Jesus' job is to present us spotless to God. Remember in the Garden when he prayed to his father and said that he had not lost any of the sheep entrusted to him? Jesus doesn't fail. That's part of the idea behind him being sinless...remember? So Jesus is going to present us spotless to the Father. We win.

Things didn't work so well with God's first covenant, the Law given to Moses. No surprise to God: he said over and over that the Israelites were not going to be successful. Is the Church simply better than God's nation? No. We're all fallen people. The difference between the Old Covenant and the New is God's part. In the Old, God said he would punish wrong behavior. In the New, he said he would pay for our wrong behavior and give us a right standing with him. Because of Christ's work on the cross, we are triumphant. Not because of our behavior, but because of God. In the new system (grace), he guarantees our victory.

We don't have to keep laboring to "get it right." We now have freedom to love and to chase after people with the heart of God. When someone points out our bad behavior, we can say, "Yes! I know! I have tried to stop screwing up, but it doesn't work...I somehow always fail. So will you! But God has made a way for us despite our screwups. Come try it with me!" This is the good news. This is the freedom we have in Christ. We can't always do right, so God has covered our sin and declared us righteous when we have faith in him.

You can choose one of God's plans: the Law or grace. Grace now covers me. And the good news is that grace is not just for me individually; it covers his church too. He sees his Bride as spotless. If you do not see her the same way, perhaps you need to go back to the cross and see what has been won for us. Jesus is jealous for his Bride; be careful how you slander her.

So You Don't Want to Go to Church

My friend Judy asked me to blog about a book I read recently, So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore. I have discovered a little about myself over this past summer: I like to walk with people. I like to figure out what God is saying and doing in someone's life, and then engage at that point. I don't like general theories or broad ideas. I want to know what you're hearing and what you think you should do. Sometimes, God doesn't give me insight into someone's life, so I am just generally encouraging & that's that. But sometimes He lets me walk very closely with people. This is my ministry; this is what jazzes me. I know that I myself don't have any answers for my friends, but I can be another set of ears, listening to the Father in what might be a confusing time, and He often chooses to show up (when two or more are gathered...).

A friend gave me this book to read, and so my first thought was that she was struggling with some of the issues in it. That turned out not to be the case, and again, I'm not very interested in ideas just for their own sake. When I read it, I thought that the Jesus/John character seemed to do kind of what I see my ministry as, this meeting up with people and listening to God together. I found John somewhat pedantic after a while, which makes me smile, because my husband will often hear me on the phone and tell me that I sound a bit "preachy."

Because I agree with so many of the ideas in this book, I found it a little scary. I am always running from things that make me feel "right," that puff me up, because I puff up easily. I don't mind you encouraging me--I desperately need that--but knowledge and theory divorced from action have an adverse effect on me. Most of the people I know who have a lot of knowledge lecture the rest of us but don't really walk with us. It is a huge danger for me personally to think I'm right and not be willing to help you out of your mess.

I love my "church," the organization that I belong to in my community where I participate in organized events. I know that the Bride is much bigger than my church, and that my church is not synonymous with Jesus' Beloved. It is the best place I have found to hammer out the Way, and not just because it has some great qualities. My church also has a lot of...well, people, and they are often wrong and irritating and they still love God. I find that element of church to also be a great venue for hammering out what it means to follow Christ. In fact, the problems are almost more helpful than the good aspects. I am also very happy to walk outside of my "church" to explore life with other believers, other seekers. But I won't make an appointment with you to do so, nor will I set up three shelters to commemorate any great experience we have together. :)

All glory and all praise to God. We'll never get things 100% on this side of the Rapture. I'm glad that perfection here is not His goal.

Random

I saw this bumper sticker the other day: "War is not the answer." I wondered, what is the question?

Another bumper sticker: "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism." Hm, not really. Intelligent agreement or intelligent dissent is the highest form of patriotism. Either dissenting or agreeing without serious consideration is just lemming behavior.

And finally, if Johnny could design a bumper sticker for our new Nissan Versa: "This car is a product of socialism." My subtitle was, "Thank you, President Obama and the American taxpayers." But then, Johnny told me that the bumper sticker was NOT designed for our Versa, but actually the Trabant, a small two-cylinder car he has been interested in of late that was a product of East Germany. Where, I suppose, one could argue that there was a socialist government. If anyone owns a Trabant, we have a bumper sticker idea for you. And if you're selling it cheap, I might be interested in purchasing my hubby's Christmas gift a little early...

Walking right

I gave up watching Law & Order about two years ago. A few weeks ago, however, Johnny was gone, and I turned on L&O: Criminal Intent. I like the characters, and I thought it would be a good way to pass the time. The opening portrayal of evil was a little shocking to my spirit, and it occurred to me that this might not be the healthiest thing to set before my eyes. Then my oldest daughter came in and plopped on the couch. I thought, "Well, we're through the worst part. The rest is just a puzzle. It will be okay if I watch it with her." Then my youngest needed me, and the television just had to be turned off. This scenario demonstrates that when faced with evil, the Lord will make a way of escape. Every time, however, we must choose to walk through the door He's opening up for us...or continue in the evil.

It doesn't seem that Facebook or Seinfeld or Super Mario Galaxy can really be called evil, but it very much depends on my state of mind. My entire being is made to respond to God. I am alive to Him, and He is everything to me. He is the Vine; I am the branch. He is the Good Shepherd; I am the sheep. So when He calls to me, and I don't come, isn't the not coming quite evil? If I hear His voice, and I do respond, and then choose later to spend some time on Facebook or the Wii, it is not sin. Living the Christian life is really quite simple: respond to God.

Just because something is easy to grasp does not always mean it is easy to do. If you are reading this, I pray that you will be strengthened in your inner being, that "from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit" (Ephesians 3:16) and that your heart "will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those He called" (Ephesians 1:18). May you walk closely with Him today.

My universe

Parenting is like creating your own universe. You decide the rules: bedtime, when to get up, when and what your kids eat, what is okay and what is a no-no. Your children see you as omnipotent and omniscient. You are the world to them. This seems a little daunting sometimes, but I kinda got used to being in control of the world. I made a pretty good world.

Then my kids got older. Last week I confiscated all the cell phones in the car just because they were annoying me. I needed five minutes without texting. When my fifteen year old handed hers over, I realized that she was obeying me not because she thought it was a good idea, but because it was my universe. I saw myself as a very fickle god.

Our family vacation was great, but I still struggle with seeing the glass half empty sometimes. Noticing the problems is natural to me. I saw a lot of things in me that were petty or small or less than I would like. In my own family, the world of my own making, these things were amplified. My flaws are picked up in my children's behavior; they are reflected in the rules that I make that govern my family. Now that my kids are older, my flaws are very often pointed out to me. Eek.

Not to switch the subject, but have you noticed God's universe? He created a world with boundaries (the sun rising & setting, the food we have to eat, the seasons). He created a world with rules. He disciplines and acts in a way that magnifies who He is. But God managed to create a universe where He looks good (hmmm...maybe because He IS good?). When given the opportunity, I didn't pull things off quite so well.

Warping our kids

I often joke with my friends about all of our kids needing therapy, as if there is nothing we can do, they will somehow be messed up by our behavior. This joke started out intending to communicate mercy: we all mess up, everything is okay. But one day it hit me that I was completely wrong. In fact, I wrote it on a Schlotzsky's napkin: we are not warping our kids. (I also wrote on the same napkin, "Coreopsis is a cool word." I'm random like that.)

My parents did not warp me. I was born warped, into a warped world. Something inside me is just a little twisted, just a little off, and things don't go like they should. It's true of every single one of us, and when we get in a group (ie, Planet Earth), that warpness can get amplified. Had my parents been completely perfect in all of their words and actions and thoughts toward me, I still would have issues. The fact that my parents are not perfect is like saying, "The sky is blue."

And so it goes for my kids. One of my very dear friends has a daughter who is like me. Her home life is different than the one I grew up in, and yet some of the characteristics I would attribute to my childhood look the same in her, without her having my experiences. So I would have turned out that way, regardless? Who knew.

I don't give my kids permission to blame me in their therapy sessions. I think it's great if they want to talk with someone about how something I have done has hurt them or confused them or made them angry. It's fine if they think I have sometimes been unfair. I'm really sorry, and I hope they can forgive me. Instead of convincing my kids that I am doing the right thing, I think while they are living with me, I will try to communicate that I love them. I really, really love them.

I know people who came from the same home and see their upbringing in completely different ways. I know people who show their parents grace, and people who almost make up things about how bad their parents were. Part of how my kids see me will be their choice. It would seem that neither they nor I can truly judge my parenting correctly. It would seem that I should leave it to God to judge me (after all, He has plans to judge me, right?).

I hope that my kids will realize that I love them. I hope they choose to see the best in my heart. May God surround them with all kinds of people who will show His love to them, and may they learn mercy and kindness and how to deal with the warped-ness inside us all.